hiding inside myself

isn't really hiding at all.

i'm still there, the mean voices inside my head, judging me

telling me to do things differently, to stop being so lazy, so quiet, so still

to create something, do something, move

i want more adventures,
then i spend my day off inside my apartment
watching bad tv and shutting myself off

i make promises to myself i don't keep
to take care of my body
to take care of my mind
to take care of my soul

hiding doesn't take care of any parts of myself
folding down into my dark shadowy self
pretending everything is "just fine"

why do i cheat myself like that?
the world is a wondrous place when i choose to open the door
i know this to be true

then i beat myself up for taking "the easy way out"
but, it doesn't feel easy
this isolation i bring upon myself

so, today, i step outside of my head
and breathe deep
reaching into the sky

knowing that right this moment
i am enough just as i am

and although those words are difficult for me to believe
i will continue to say them
out loud and inside this noisy head of mine

today i am grateful for~

*pregnant bellies
*brave people
*re-connecting with myself through this blog
*dancingmermie for the inspiration to do so
*doug getting a job and making connections

sending you gentleness today, my friends
and wishes for a glorious day filled with love and adventures

~t

those girls on Oprah's special - i can't get their faces out of my mind.

so filled with hope.

and light.

and determination to move up and out of their current circumstances

into

possibility.

made my gratitude list so easy to make.

today i am grateful for~

*a warm, safe home

*being born in america where education is free for all children

*tears

*joyful faces

*eyes sparkling with knowledge and a certainty that good things are coming in the midst of great hardship and despair

*the resilience of the human spirit

*hope

*hot showers

*food in the refrigerator

*clean water to drink

*my blessed life

growing, stretching, continuing down this path of mine.

i look back on where i was last year at this time.

the hiding and lying and dark twisted place in my head where i ran away from life. sitting in front of those machines, feeding money and my soul inside - keeping up a facade on the outside. the good girl, the quiet girl, never wanting to upset the precarious balance of the world around me.

closing the door and hiding in my room as a child, pretending i didn't hear the chaos outside. wanting to belong somewhere. wearing glasses, too smart, too chubby, too uncoordinated.

i look at where i am now.

living by the sea (then i always want to beat myself up for now being in an apartment, for causing us to lose our house - the shame, guilt at times i think will bury me underneath), teaching parents and children how to play together and sing together and BE together - such a blessing.

my life is such a blessing.

the past is over.

i can only move forward.

no only about it, really - that should be an exclamation~

I MOVE FORWARD - TRIUMPHANTLY!!!

~in gratitude~

today i am grateful for . . .

~little boys named max

~upswept hair

~nervous energy

~Caesar's Way by Caesar Milan

~riley's face

~the sun shining on the ocean

what are you grateful for today??