i fight with myself so much.
pushing against what i know is good for me. coming up with reasons not to do the things i need to do to be healthy. i resist going on walks, resist calling friends back, resist taking care of simple tasks that then turn into huge tasks, resist writing and reading words that i know will nourish me.
why?
it seems so simple.
when i move my body, i feel so much better - physically as well as emotionally.
when i speak with friends and feel that connection i feel myself relax and the noise in my head start to diminish.
when i take care of daily chores i feel so productive and on task when they're done.
it's as though i'm looking for ways to beat myself up. and really, haven't i done that enough to myself?
today, i put off taking my walk til the last possible moment - but i did go. and for that i applaud myself. i got up off the couch - put on my cute red sweatsuit and got my butt out there on the beach. and there again - why do i resist going down to the ocean? i've never been sorry to stand on the shore and hear the waves crash, smell the salt air, feel the wind strong against my skin, blowing my hair all around.
i suppose, the point is i did go. three months ago, i would not have gone. and i would've been plenty mean to myself - and probably eaten some ice cream and had two glasses of wine with dinner. tonight i will be having salad and a half a bbq pizza. it feels good to be taking control of my life.
and to recognize that resistance as my ego trying to regain control.
tonight i am grateful for~
~seeing the stars appear in the sky tonight on my way home
~feeling hungry
~laughter
~writing
~warm, spring-like days at the end of February
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
a new year ~ a new mindset
i feel free today.
free to smile at strangers.
free to look into my own eyes in the mirror.
free to wear jeans and feel confident about my body.
free to reach out to others.
free to speak my truth.
free to love myself.
the last two months of 2007 were filled with pulling back the curtains (once again) and letting the light in where i had cowering in the darkness. i had started gambling again last year around my birthday (may). hiding from everyone - hiding from myself. going down, down, down that slippery slope, lying, beating myself up, then doing it all again - round and round and round - spinning that web tighter and more intricately than i thought i'd ever get out of.
and then God slapped me in the face - "STOP THIS, TRICIA!!!!!!!". He loves me so much, so much more than i have shown myself in the past. and so i stood back up, stepped back on this path of self love that i have fallen off of so many times before. i admitted my wrongdoing and got myself back into a GA meeting. i have gone to one meeting a week for the past 71 days.
and then at the end of December, i had an amazing conversation with my sister and step-mom that apparently i was ready to really hear. they've been doing weight watchers and they encouraged me to join. my weight has been a struggle for me all my life. it's something i've never had the courage to truly face. i've watched my sister succeed brilliantly over the past six months (she's lost 39 pounds so far and still going strong, go Kristi!!!!!) and with lots of encouragment from my stepmom (thanks, Cathy :) i decided to give it a go. i attended my first WW meeting on December 27th and as of today i have lost 10.8 pounds. i'm down one size in my clothes and feeling strong and clear.
the key for me right now is remaining mindful ~ of my thoughts and my actions.
taking everything one moment at a time.
and the more my thoughts and actions move towards loving myself, the more the universe opens up to me and brings me exactly what i need to stay centered on this path.
i feel free today to love myself and for that i am grateful.
~t
free to smile at strangers.
free to look into my own eyes in the mirror.
free to wear jeans and feel confident about my body.
free to reach out to others.
free to speak my truth.
free to love myself.
the last two months of 2007 were filled with pulling back the curtains (once again) and letting the light in where i had cowering in the darkness. i had started gambling again last year around my birthday (may). hiding from everyone - hiding from myself. going down, down, down that slippery slope, lying, beating myself up, then doing it all again - round and round and round - spinning that web tighter and more intricately than i thought i'd ever get out of.
and then God slapped me in the face - "STOP THIS, TRICIA!!!!!!!". He loves me so much, so much more than i have shown myself in the past. and so i stood back up, stepped back on this path of self love that i have fallen off of so many times before. i admitted my wrongdoing and got myself back into a GA meeting. i have gone to one meeting a week for the past 71 days.
and then at the end of December, i had an amazing conversation with my sister and step-mom that apparently i was ready to really hear. they've been doing weight watchers and they encouraged me to join. my weight has been a struggle for me all my life. it's something i've never had the courage to truly face. i've watched my sister succeed brilliantly over the past six months (she's lost 39 pounds so far and still going strong, go Kristi!!!!!) and with lots of encouragment from my stepmom (thanks, Cathy :) i decided to give it a go. i attended my first WW meeting on December 27th and as of today i have lost 10.8 pounds. i'm down one size in my clothes and feeling strong and clear.
the key for me right now is remaining mindful ~ of my thoughts and my actions.
taking everything one moment at a time.
and the more my thoughts and actions move towards loving myself, the more the universe opens up to me and brings me exactly what i need to stay centered on this path.
i feel free today to love myself and for that i am grateful.
~t
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