resisting

i fight with myself so much.

pushing against what i know is good for me. coming up with reasons not to do the things i need to do to be healthy. i resist going on walks, resist calling friends back, resist taking care of simple tasks that then turn into huge tasks, resist writing and reading words that i know will nourish me.

why?

it seems so simple.

when i move my body, i feel so much better - physically as well as emotionally.

when i speak with friends and feel that connection i feel myself relax and the noise in my head start to diminish.

when i take care of daily chores i feel so productive and on task when they're done.

it's as though i'm looking for ways to beat myself up. and really, haven't i done that enough to myself?

today, i put off taking my walk til the last possible moment - but i did go. and for that i applaud myself. i got up off the couch - put on my cute red sweatsuit and got my butt out there on the beach. and there again - why do i resist going down to the ocean? i've never been sorry to stand on the shore and hear the waves crash, smell the salt air, feel the wind strong against my skin, blowing my hair all around.

i suppose, the point is i did go. three months ago, i would not have gone. and i would've been plenty mean to myself - and probably eaten some ice cream and had two glasses of wine with dinner. tonight i will be having salad and a half a bbq pizza. it feels good to be taking control of my life.

and to recognize that resistance as my ego trying to regain control.

tonight i am grateful for~

~seeing the stars appear in the sky tonight on my way home

~feeling hungry

~laughter

~writing

~warm, spring-like days at the end of February