Okay, I'm ready

I had a medium breakdown the last day or so. I say medium because I didn't completely lose myself, but it wasn't just a little crying jag because of pms, either. it was me, speaking the truth. which is still so hard for me. i, as so many of you, have spent a lot of my life trying not to rock the boat. saying everything's fine. making sure everyone's okay. which eventually led to me hiding - hiding things from others, but the worst of it was me trying to hide from myself. with food. with tv. with gambling. last year i did a good job facing those demons. with stepping into the light. but, as i said in my previous post, this journey isn't a straight line, a steady upward path toward health and wholeness.

it's a messy, twisting, glorious, challenging (there's that word again), road that gets dark sometimes. i'm proud of myself for yesterday though. the shadows surrounded me and i cried and panicked and beat myself up and took on waaaaay too much as my responsibility for about 24 hours or so - and then, i looked at what was really happening. so, we have some debt. we haven't been responsible with our financial health (they key word in that sentence is WE - i am not alone in this). now we know the real numbers and we can take steps to move toward that financial health. he's back to work now and i'm exploring other opportunities for my income. and that's it. it's not a death sentence. a cross i have to bear. it's one facet of our lives that we need to get healthy. and we will. one step at a time (with a couple of trips, stumbles and backwards steps along the way).

amazing what happens when you look at the truth as opposed to hiding things away. and breathing helps too - a lot.

i'm ready for the truth.

i'm ready to see what life has to offer me.

i'm ready for all the blessings coming my way.

thank you for all that 2009 has in store.